Fragile

Several months with no posts, and then 2 in one day, I know I threatened to be sporadic, but this is just taking the biscuit really, isn't it.

Well, I've just had one of my homecoming heart-to-heart/massive rows which only happen with families. It began as a row over my new piercing and cycled through my dropping out of college, my mental health, my unemployment, my lack of future plans. All the while my mother getting frustrated because, to her, I have no plans and am just hopelessly careening about in life, whereas I am frantically trying to explain that yes, I have made mistakes, and yes, I have plans, they are just taking longer because currently, I'm being fiercely independant about them. the last time I was being funded by someone else, didn't work out well for anyone involved, least of all me.

There was shouting, there were many, many tears on my part (Yes, I am still crying a bit now.) and there were some serious re-evaluation on both sides. We've come to the part where we realise that we are simply two extremely different people, and we will have to come to terms with that. We got over it, it's done for now.

Then, we came to the hardest bit for me. The bit where we talk about me getting a job and living as an adult, alone and independent. I want this, I want it SO badly that it pains me to still be here, I cringe inside everytime that I have to ask someone to help me out. Because to me, every thing that I cannot do or achieve 100% on my own, is a failure. Every job I apply for that never gets back to me; failure. Every interview I do that I don't get the job for; failure. When my contract didn't get extended at my last job; failure. I take it so badly, and so personally, and I don't know why. Alright, I'm an emotional person, but no-one's this emotional!

So I cried, and explained, and cried, and we came up with ideas, for ways in which I can make money to get me towards doing the course that I want, so I can get a better job, so I can get out, on my own, living how I want to be. Some of them were excellent ideas (some were terrible. Yes, prostitution and drug dealing were options I came up with, no I didn't voice these to my mother.) including the one where I do something which I actually enjoy, which relates to what I want to do later in life, and which could make me a fair bit of money. (No, not prostitution. Yes, I am still attempting to be humourous while mascara streams down my face...) But here's the problem. I am now so afraid of failing in this, because it's the thing that I really want to do, that I am almost too afraid to try. I am terrified that once I attempt to do something that actually means something to me, that one setback will mean I give up, and fail, and have to start all over again.
I know that I need to toughen up, I know that I need to get out there and do what I want to do, or at least work towards it. I think in some part, my actually typing this up and putting it out here, is one of my attempts at going through with it. That if someone reads this, I'll be forced to follow through on it. I guess this is a cross between an emotional release, an attempt at bullying myself and asking for support.

But right now. I think I just need a hug...

As always,
Love,
B. x